TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically noted for ancient culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be huge. Tremendous!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed within the Placing environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Many of the most effective. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and completely away from place. Developed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable drinking water. But Indeed, sure, let's have A further position the place American men can dress in robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst past negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: provide All people a suite to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is tender electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest mentioned, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he need to prevent using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the job, replied, "You are aware of, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Good tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping forms a giant Trump head noticeable from Area, a aspect remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… properly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after getting the developing's gold plating mirrored a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is not merely unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Baffling Capabilities


Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They'll Appear"


The advertisement campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Without end."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "wherever's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is already attracting awareness from international traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also contain:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    And an Escape Area Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to find out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort wherever my PTSD may have switch-down assistance."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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